An optimistic jump!

Tired of the pessimistic atmosphere I have so conveniently created around me and snuggled into... I decided to see all the good things I have going for me right now. And trust me, there are quite a few.

Confused about who i am, what I want and several such things like Ms Runaway Bride herself, this is my chance to rediscover myself at 27. And yes, it isnt too late. Its a different story that I turn 28 in 2 days and havent done a single thing I wanted to by now. And that once am done with the discovering, am not sure anyone around me will be comfortable with who I am. Hell, dont think i'll relate to the new me, myself.
Is scary... yet exciting!

Having hit close to rock bottom, all I can look is up. There is nowhere else to go. So have the relief of knowing that things are now going to get better... and soon.

A break in career and an all time financial low helps me make a shift in my line of work if I want to. Anyway am starting from scratch. So, thats a good thought :-)

Have an awesome place to stay for 2 months at a considerably low rent thanks to some friends. Sitting in the 15th floor balcony mid day, staring at cloudy skies, listening to Zeb and Haniya and sipping on coffee has a charm I cant really explain. Am sure many people I know would give anything to get to spend a few days like this.

Despite the terrible heartbreak, having a friend (ex-husband) to talk to, confide in and help sort my mind out on and off is a luxury I think very few people enjoy!

So thank you life for all this... and much more. Will stop now, before the pessimistic me takes over once again and rants off to glory!

Thank you :-)

Virtual Reality!

It is so easy to be 'available' online and fake happiness. Its so easy to say am fine and there is nothing to worry. Its so easy to chat about random topics with friends and family and goof around enough to convince people that all is right. That I am hale and hearty, fine and dandy!

Whats not fine? Accepting the fact that people buy that bullshit!! Do they really think am fine? Do they really not care enough to see that am faking it? Are they so busy in their own worlds that me faking happiness just puts them at ease and they feel that all is well? Or do they really think am making a mountain out of a mole hill and should be fine by now? After all who can put up with more than a month of someone's cribs right?!!

Well, am not fine. I wasnt fine all these years when I acted fine. Am not fine now. And I wont be for a long long time. It will take time and effort. And since noone has either to invest in me, I shall fake it. Fake it to anyone and everyone who pretends to give a damn! After all, am only doing what you are doing... being fake!!

Boxed in...

Boxed in! 5yrs of my life packed into 15 boxes. Memories in boxes, boxes you into memories! 
A corner from where escaping feels like mammothian task! 
One that I definitely am not up for... especially now when all I want to do is sit on my couch in my pajamas watching tv till I rust!

An ode to love

Like bees to a flower and moth to a fire, drawn I am time and again to the elixir of life... LOVE... PYAAR! Aur jab bhi pyaar kiya, poore dil aur jaan se kiya! Aise kiya jaise kabhi dil toota hi na ho! Unconditional love... didnt know there was any other kind! 

Aur badle mein... badle mein dil har baar aise toota jaise ab kabhi jud na payega. Jaise, ab mann kabhi freebird ki tarah udd na payega! Par phir bhi, har baar, baar baar, lagaataar... yeh crazy dil kyun bhagtha hai us pyaar ke peeche... us kambaqt love ke peeche? 

Oh god, why do I succumb to it, when I know that all that awaits me is hurt? Some more hurt... lots more hurt!

Law of averages

Trick is to reduce the time between peaks, right? 

Not to normalize the highs and lows to a steady state of numbness!

I have averaged out all the hurt and the happiness I can feel anymore. So all I feel is numbness. Like one does with an audio clip while editing. Normalise and hardlimit till all you have is a rectangle box with no emotions!

Whats sad is that I realised this is how most of the people around my lead their life. They sail through calm waters like a happy captain unaware of the fun life could give them, if only they would let it.

I say whats the fun in that??? I want the crazy ass storms..I want the melancholy calms... I want the indecisive inbetweens when I dont know whats coming up next! Damn it... I need them!

Breakupum Shakeupum!!

Uninspiring as the dreamum-wakeupum song might be... the title is completely apt for the effed up state my life is in right now. Yes, I have had breakups before and no, I don’t remember having created such a scene about getting over it. But this was no ordinary break up. This was epic. And presumably so is my resultant depression!

I am nearly broke, jobless, mind fucked, to-be-divorced and as close to committing 'social suicide' as I would ever want to be.

Needed a stimuli to crack my wall. Something that would open the dams and let out the stale water!

Hurt, pain, emotions bottled up since childhood... just waiting for something or someone to relax me enough to open up. Every time I let one finger loose in my fist of life, I tighten the other 9. 

Today I got a chance.... All my memories packed in 15 boxes lands on my door step. 

Looking at me... judging me... reminding me of everything that happened. And instead of being numb I actually break down. I begin bawling my eyes out. Found someone I can actually talk to... and want to open up to... But Alas! I cant have that much leeway now, can I? 

Dad is reaching in an hour and I need to be presentable. So once again we postpone being human for another day! Kudos world. Good job!!

This virtual tracker (though set on a financial countdown mode) is my way of keeping me sane. A place for me to vent without being judged or criticized or even advised. Its also my way of keeping track of my life right now... when days seem to pass without me realising and months end while I wait for weekends... and the only thing keeping my grounded is my current savings amount and the desp need for me to get a job.

This is me trying to not let the current emotional tsunami end up destroying any chance of a normal life I might have in the future!